My Life, my rules

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1. Help in any small way that I can and generously give, not just materially, but also anything that educates someone else. Share the little skills that I know. Giving never emptied my cup but quite on the contrary filled it.

2. Strive to enable those I love to find the best of them instead molding them into whom I want them to be.

3. Great company or none. Great company is any living being I connect with and not limited to human species. Mediocre company is a waste of my time.

4. Money comes, money goes. I won’t let unexpected expenditure disturb me, unless it leaves me bankrupt. I shall use my money to expand my experiences instead of piling it in my bank account.

5. To me, how my house looks is far less important than how I look. I can’t be bothered to stress myself over a pretty home.

6. I compete only against myself. I need to get better each day but for myself and not for you. If you choose to compare me with someone else, it’s your folly. I won’t be anyone else for you. If I am not good enough, you are welcome to cut me off in quest of who or what you need.

7. Be who I am and be comfortable in my own skin. I won’t try hard to hide facts of my life from you. If you choose to judge me by these facts or make gossip out of it, it’s your problem not mine. I don’t give a damn.

8. Never to look down on someone who doesn’t meet my expectations of character as they didn’t have the good experiences of life that shaped mine.

9. Do not let my bad experiences embitter me or make me a cynical person. To let go and wipe the slate clean enough to stay fresh.

10. My happiness is my top priority. I do everything that makes me happy, travel, buy the dress and eat the cake that’s worth it’s calories. And if, making you happy costs me my happiness, then please leave, I can’t afford you.

Love or duty?

Duty toiled all day,
The tiresome efforts
Made her spirit weary
Bringing a frown at sunset.
“Sacrifice is my middlename”, she thought.

Love just drifted with his currents,
To what he loved, to whom he loved.
The sweat in his brow,
Could not make his spirit weary.
For when the sun set, the moon rose.
And Fulfillment? She smiled upon his shoulder.

 

I believe that one can do best only the things that one loves to do or be with the one (s) one loves to be.  But society has so bound us by duty that often we are doing things we think we should do rather than doing things we love to do. Also, we are hanging around with people we think we should be around rather than people that we love. Duty results in weariness and love brings fulfillment. I tried to summarize this in a poem on 16.05.2017.

For Suzie and Tigger

Suzie and me have been school buddies. We have not met as yet after that.  Been over 20 years since I last saw her in person. Years later we connected on Facebook, shortly exchanged numbers and it’s amazing how our friendship is still green. We shared so much and I so relate to her kids whom I am yet to meet and much related to her cat, Tigger. Unfortunately, Tigger passed away yesterday, (23- 03- 2018).  He slipped into death, falling off from the 9th floor, from a window left partially open.  It actually made me cry. I wrote this for Suzie to cope with her grief.

The picture below was sent to me by Suzie, how Tigger kept her company whilst cooking in the morning on the same day he passed away.

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You rescued me from the streets,
And gave me nearly two years of love.
Transformed me from a beggar to your prince.
Sorry I couldn’t stay longer.
But please don’t blame yourself,
For the window you left open.
You could have never hurt me,
It was really my time to leave.

You showed me what love meant,
And I showed you, your capacity to love,
To love me despite me being myself.
To love me despite all the mess
In your neat apartment, I had made.
I taught you that love had no conditions.
And no matter what could happen between us,
Me being your pet could not cease, nor you being my Mama.

I thank you for the nearly two years,
You fed, sheltered and even stylishly dressed me.
And I have loved you just the way you loved me,
Unconditionally, with devotion and blind faith,
I came everytime, you called out to me.
Because you could never hurt me,
You proved worthy of my trust.

So think of me and smile,
By the stove as you are cooking.
For times, I kept you company there.
For the times, my purrs soothed your pain.
I am sure that you still hear my meows,
And you still feel my soft fur on your skin.
Smile when you are back shopping.
My spirit still stays curled in those bags.
Because death cannot end love,
My presence around you lives on.

The loss of a pet is often underrated and not understood by most people. A relationship or a bond is formed between two living beings and it’s not necessary that they both are humans. Animals love us unconditionally and can fill our hearts even more than family or friends.

She for she, she for feminism

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2018 and she’s still fighting,
To be equal to the other gender.
Why hasn’t the society still accepted
And equalized the feminine gender.
What has given men so much power?

Could it be the attitude in our female minds?
To not stand by each other
But instead compete with each other
Just for attention from men.

Could it be blindness in our female eyes?
That only blames the other woman
Who enters your relationship?
When it was your man who let her in.

Could it be flaws in our female self respect?
Not to see your worth,
And change yourself too much,
Just to accomodate a man in your life.

Could it be lack of empathy in our female hearts?
Towards the sex worker, whom we condemn as prostitute,
We fail to understand her misery,
Or what led her to walk the brothel’s way.

Could it overlooking our female self needs ?
To take the “me” time to do what we like,
To take the time to nurture our souls,
Instead of being perpetual slaves of our husbands and kids.

We need to build ourselves first,
We need to build our confidence and security,
We need to realize our self worth,
To stand for another She, to stand for feminism.

Disclaimer : Pro women isn’t anti men.

Relationships are NOT work

Heart

Often, we hear that good partner or spouse relationships are a result of hard work. I totally disagree with this statement. Relationships become work when you have found a flatmate and not a soulmate. In my perspective, a relationship becomes work when two hearts are not in sync. A relationship that is work is compromise, it is an arrangement where two people not totally in sync, trying hard to fit with each other with constant effort.

A relationship should alleviate the yoke on your shoulders and not put more burden there. Any relationship that does not make your life better in terms of happiness and fulfillment, is not worth it.

I believe that when two people love each other and are meant to belong together, there is no effort to belong together. Does it mean that these two people have to be completely similar in their thinking and likes and dislikes? Not really, though a fair amount of similarity favors the situation. How do these people come together then mentally or emotionally? I believe that the torque of love automatically propels one person in the direction of the other. One person automatically drifts in the direction of the other, without feeling the work or the effort. Synchronising with the other person comes naturally and just with the flow. And when this happens, one would never feel the need to mention the effort because it is no effort really, it is just love drifting you towards the other person.

There are different aspects of staying in sync, major one is being able to be 100 per cent faithful to your partner, not just physically but in thoughts and emotions as well. Again, staying faithful to the other person should not be conscious effort but the consequence of being totally in love and being satisfied at all levels. Another example could be, being there for the other person against all odds and drifting towards the other person’s happiness.

In true love, there are no conditions imposed on the other person. When there are conditions, this is no love, this is just a contract. When you are truly in love, you just love the other person for who he or she is. And love should enable to bring out the best in two people and let them effortlessly sync with each other and become one in spirit. Two people fit together like a jigsaw puzzle and this magic is sustained over a period of time.

Why are only very few people who are able to find themselves in such a relationship? Because, we as humans don’t believe that we are deserving of the extraordinary or even that the extraordinary exists. So, we settle for the ordinary and compromise. Because we don’t believe that magic can last forever. Because we don’t believe that we can create magic. It takes selflessness, realization of selfworth, courage and maturity to love someone unconditionally and without expectations. Not many of us, have the courage to offer such love, because we fear that we might not get it in return. And when you love someone truly, the focus drifts to the other person’s needs and wants. And it is great if other person wants to include you in their life but it is also fine if the other person doesn’t want you in their life. But I strongly believe that the consequence of true love is nothing but true love in return. And love never hurts, what hurts is the lack of it.

Written on 03.03.2018 as a tribute to my dad on his 73rd birthday remembrance

25 years gone and finally
My mind has silenced what my heart questioned.
Though the world judged you,
I was your child and I simply loved you.
I cried the most when you left this world.

Many factors severed our relationship
And I have only few moments to cherish.
Everytime I eat bread and cheese,
I think of the evening we spent in Jackris
On the eve of my first holy communion.

You were not my hero,
You never manned up enough for me
You didn’t love my mum enough, I hated that
Those strong but infrequent hugs meant not much to me,
Also the hands that occassionally dried my tears.
Those moments were too few for me.
I now understand why you couldn’t be there more.

But you loved me, I was your first born, your pride
You never said no to anything I asked,
You taught me to spoil myself,
And I continue to spoil myself even today.
I wonder how it would be, if you were alive today.
A man of 73, proud of his daughter.

25 years gone by and I have accepted,
Understood and forgiven the human in you.
Hope your soul now rests in peace.
And you are celebrating your birthday with the angels.

 

Mother’s Day Reflections

Been reading through mother’s day posts on Mother’s Day on social. In our society a mother is an epitome of selfless, ever giving, fountain of love. So much pressure from the society on a mother to behave well, how to act or react in a particular situation. By setting this stereotype, we forget that a mother is just a human being, and cannot and will not be perfect all the time. Where is the place for a mother’s emotions or a vent to a negative feelings if she only has to be nice all the time? And has anyone thought or contemplated what is the future of this selfless, sacrificial ever giving woman who is always catering to the needs of her family and putting hers behind. The result is what we already see in our society. Bitter, old women blackmailing their grown kids to live upto their expectations because they sacrificed so much. We see parents defining the parameters of happiness for their adult children and taking that freedom away from their adult children. And I have decided that I don’t want to grow into such a parent. I want to grow into a happy old woman who has no expectations nor will bind her grown child in any way.

I am a selfish mother, I make time for myself and I am not sacrificing all the time. I try and draw a balance between my kid’s needs and mine. And though my kid is a big part of my life, she isn’t the only part. I take time to do the things I love to do which doesn’t include my kid always. A break brings me more energised and charged to my task of motherhood. A mother who is happy and in a good state of mind is a big blessing to your child. Strive to be that mother. There is not much you can tell your kids, they copy who you are. So, aspire to be the person that you want your child to grow into.

Again, I would like to enhance that a mother is as human as everyone else, so please do not put any demands of perfection on her. Those of us who have resentments with our mothers for not being the epitome of what a mother should be in our society, make peace with your past and your mothers. Let go, your mum is human, and she offered you the best that she could given her past and her present back then and life made her the way she is. Forgive her, love and thank her whatever she did. Remember that her mistakes provide you a lesson to be a better parent.

Happiness always to my mother, to me and every mother in the world.

Love Unlimited

Love Unlimited
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The Valentine’s Day mood got me writing this.

His stare used to follow her through the crowds,
She barely noticed weighed down by her struggles.
Until one day, her eyes met his.
The vibe drew her in but left her confused.
She struggled through her suspicions and fears,
He didn’t know what he really wanted in life.
Both still clouded by the experiences of their past,
Until the day she decided not to let her attempts
To keep away misery, keep out the joy.
And she opened the door and let him in,
A little at a time, slowly but surely a step closer.
They made no vows to each other,
They didn’t say until death do us apart.
He didn’t proclaim to the world to hold her hand,
But always held it when she needed it held.
They didn’t make each other forever promises,
But they told each other no lies.
They blossomed in each other’s presence.
They were one team, no one could pull them apart.
In a crowd, their beings resonated only with each other,
Others seemed out of synchronization with them.
She didn’t ask for a ring on her finger,
Why would she?
His eyes belonged only to her.
Nurturer of his soul, she grew to be.
Pillar of her existence, he grew to be.
They didn’t think about tomorrow,
They were lost in each other today.
And tomorrow woke them up,
To yet another fulfilling today.

Cinderella 2015

Cinderella 2015

Cinderella

A perfect fairytale, very girly movie, every female aged from 3 to 103 must love this. Simply loved the magical experience.

Great movie to watch if you want to escape from your grind to magic and fairy tale. The whole fairy tale ambience is so well done. The woods, the flowers, the old cottage. The costumes are simply out of this world. Sandy Powell has done such an amazing job on the costumes, not to miss that Cinderella’s shoes were made by Swaroski. Cinderella, usual dress with a faded look, her ball gown, the dresses of Anastasia and Drizella, the step mother’s dresses, fairy godmother’s dresses and not to miss the stepmother’s satin green gown when she is pursuing prospects of being a Duchess all very amazing. Disney has a way of letting you escape from reality.

Cinderella’s role was quite well played by Lily James. She didn’t really need much effort for the role. From her interviews, the 25-year old Lily James comes across as a bubbly, naive, kind hearted yet strong girl who very much like Cinderella believes in being kind and having courage and tries to lives in the moment. What is even more impressive is that Lily is blessed with a great voice and she herself sang some of the songs in the movie. In her voice, the passion states that Lily attempts to live in the moment and believes in the power of her dreams. She did an awesome job in the song “Dream is a wish your heart makes.”

What I was even more impressed was how Cate Blanchett played the mean stepmother role so perfectly. That demanded really good acting skills. Man, the transformation from an usually smiling woman to a mean wicked, embittered stepmother is amazing.

Richard Madden didn’t have much to do on the movie besides smiling and staring. But I believe he had to work on his dancing and he danced pretty well in the end. Overall, he too has done a pretty neat job.

The movie gives us an important message, “Where there is kindness, there is goodness and where there is goodness, there is magic.” It teaches us many things. Cinderella tackles so many situations in her life with grace, patience and poise. The death of mother first and then death of her father, followed by ill treatment by her evil stepmother. She doesn’t let these situations embitter her and stays the soft chirpy girl that she always is. She is always singing and playing with her mice. She always understands that her stepmother and stepsisters got embittered with the circumstances of her lives and tries her best not to hold the evil treatment against them. When the prince asks her if she is treated well at home, she answers, “They treat me as well as they could.” However, she isn’t the doormat that is walked all over and she speaks her heart when needed. She stands for what she believes in. She speaks against the killing of the stag to the prince. She speaks up and when the stepmother says “I am her mother.” She responds by saying you “You are not my mother, you have never been.” Despite all the evil treatment, our hero Cinderella does not victimise herself, she does her best to help herself, sings, keeps cheerful, talks to her mice. When the stepmother refuses to get her a dress for the ball, she helps herself by fixing her mother’s dress herself instead of sitting in the corner and crying. It’s when the bitter stepmother tears her dress and bars her from coming to the party, she is distraught and broken that all her efforts have been crushed. And, this is the moment when the fairy Godmother appears and helps her with magic. A very important lesson here is that when you have tried your best to help yourself and have left no stone unturned, there will be an external force helping you with the results you deserve for your attempts to keep your spirit high and help yourself in trying times, yet be fair to those around you. Our hero keeps her spirits and keeps dreaming by singing even in the attic where she is locked so that the kingmen may not find that the glass shoe fits her. Here, the difference between our hero and her stepmother is that our hero doesn’t let hard times embitter her and keeps her spirit and kindness soaring high. Whereas, the stepmother is selfish and unkind and totally embittered by her situation. The stepmother also tries to help herself and does not succeed as her means are unfair.

What I like the most is that at the end of the movie, the song “Strong” by Sonna Rele propels you back in reality without destroying the magic. The song tells you that in a fairytale a hero will take your hand and love will follow but in the real world, but life’s a different game and only you can change your world. “Let your smile light up the sky. Keep your spirit soaring high. Trust in your heart and your sun shines forever and ever. Hold fast to kindness, your light shines forever and ever. I believe in you and me. We are strong.”

“Fifty Shades of Grey” through my eyes

“Fifty Shades of Grey” through my eyes

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How is this movie perceived? That like every other situation perhaps on which personality hat you wear and don’t forget that this hat doesn’t have a single colour but many shades of grey too. The moralist would perceive it as too much display of sex and few levels further down could qualify it as porn for sure in my opinion. The hopeless romantic would qualify the movie as the lack of love and total misery. The sexually starved and repressed might want to watch the movie for the stimulating sex scenes. And it might be true that the movie could be selling only for its sex scenes because sex sells well. In my opinion, watching this movie demands a lot of maturity and seasoning, not just in age but in the mind.

I do not know what was the reason to release for Valentine’s Day. In my opinion, this is no Valentine movie. Perhaps it was a tribute to those caught in unhappy, complicated relationships.

The movie is based on a novel by E.L James. The script in brief is about a young billionaire Christian Grey(Jamie Dornan) who was born to a drug addict and a prostitute. His mother died when he was 4 and was adopted by a rich family. At the age of 15, he became a victim of sexual abuse to Mrs. Robinson, a friend of his adopted mother.The abuse continued for 6 years. His experiences with life leave Christian scarred making him a man with complete disinterest in romance and unsatiable desire to quench his lust to the fullest by dominant sexual encounters in his “Red Room” which is well equipped for domestic abuse with things such as bull whips, paddles and restraining cuffs. At the age of 27, when he is a billionaire, he meets Anastasia Steele(Dakota Johnson), a young literature graduate student who is interviewing him for the college newspaper in lieu of her roommate who is journalism student who is down with flu. There is something about Anatasia that intrigues Christian and makes her different in his eyes than the rest of the women that he has had. He begins stalking her in a caring but dominant manner. He showers her with attention and expensive gifts. She is in love with him and vulnerable in the beginning.He tries to get her in a sexual contract with him where he will be the “dominant” and she the “submissive” where he would push her limits to satisfy his lust to the peak. The contract states that the submissive will be punished in case she fails to observe the rules of the contract. Though the contract does not sound acceptable to Ana, she is in love with him and hopelessly wants to work it out with him. So, she organises a business meeting with him to strike out a few clauses in the contract which are not acceptable. In the period while Ana is still thinking about the contract, Christian is still stalking her and she is vulnerable to sexual encounters with him. Ana then wants to know what the punishment stated in the contract would mean. Christian then asks Ana if she is sure and when she agrees he whips her 6 times on her bare bottom. She is hurt and crying and realises that he cannot love her, that he is far too damaged to love her and leaves.

In my personal view, Dakota Johnson was amazing and is a very good actress and plays her role of a naive vulnerable college student very well.Jamie Dornan is average here. He should be an eligible distant billionaire bachelor who is distant at the same time “good with people”. But I personally think that Jamie is far too chocolatey for the icy cold personality demanded by the role.

What are the shades of grey then?
1. Christian’s inability to decide whether he would want to let go of his enormous lust to settle for a normal relationship with the woman he so much seems to want. Christian acknowledges that Ana is special to him. He tells her that she is the first person he slept next to, first woman to be photographed with, the first woman he introduced to his family as his girlfriend. But does he really mean all this, or is he just “good with people” as he told Ana in the interview? What seems really grey to me, is that Christian himself cannot understand whether he means what he does for Ana or if he is just doing it to to satisfy his thirst for dominant sexual encounters with her. He has built an image of himself in his mind as a person does not want to have romantic involvement but just very lustful dominant encounters and this image gives him some strength and it is very hard for him to let go of this image. Probably this image gives some strength to recover subconsciously from the time, he felt helplessly abused by Mrs. Robinson at the same time, he drew a lot of sexual pleasure from the abuse being a fifteen old who was about the age of puberty.

2. Ana’s vulnerabilty and confusion. The role of Ana is simply amazing and it perfectly depicts emotions that a woman in love goes through specially when she is in love with a man who she knows that can’t make her happy. The movie depicts perfectly well how she loses resistance to his stalking and gives in for a period of time. She is desperately hoping and trying to have a normal relationship with Christian. It depicts well, male chauvinistic nature where he just can’t take a no for an answer. When she says, she would like to leave, he says, her body tells something else manipulating her to think that he understands her well. It shows well how he forces on her in a way that can appear caring, protective and strong. Though Ana has a perfect rational understanding, that is isn’t the kind of relationship she would like to settle for, she is in love with Christian. He stalked her at a pub when she was drunk and took care of by bringing her into his hotel and changing her in new clothes when she vomited. He told her that he is incapable of leaving her alone. He slept next to her and told her that she is the only woman, he slept next to. When he gives the sexual contract to be signed, she attempts and hopes that she will have a normal relationship with her by calling in for a business meeting. He flies from Seattle to get her and takes on a ride in his private helicopter. He gives her expensive gifts. But she is quite bothered and finds it dominant that he sold her car without her knowledge and replaced with a new expensive car. And when she rolls her eyes at him because of this incident, he is highly displeased. But she is in love and she succumbs to his stalking, dominance and sexual encounters for a period of time, she is also falling prey to sexual pleasure that she gains from encounters with him.

What are the key learnings from this movie for me?
1. Every parent needs to be conscious of with whom their children are building relationship and what kind of relationships.The relationship with his mother’s friend left Christian as a damaged man wanting to reach the peak of his lustful desire dominantly and have no romantic associations.

2. It is so easy to mistake stalking and dominance for caring. Actually, the dividing line can be very fine between dominance and caring. When Christian flies from Seattle for Ana, takes her to his hotel and changes her clothes when she is soaked in vomit. Is this stalking or is this caring and protection or a bit of both? He then sells her car and replaces it with an expensive one. Is this caring or dominance? If it was caring, he would not have such a big problem when she rolled her eyes at him for doing this.

3. Hang on, time clears all confusion and doubts. Ana is always confused whether she is really special to Christian, whether she should go ahead and sign the contract with him, but hangs on and things clear up that she should not sign the contract with him when she asks him what is punishment as per the rules stated. Christians asks her if she is really sure and when she agrees, she whips her 6 times on her bare bottom. She realises that Christian is still ok, seeing her in such pain and that he could do this to her and that is when she walks away.

4. Never try to fix a man, walk away if he brings you unhappiness. When Ana realizes how damaged Christian is and how incapable he is of making her happy, she walks away. A common mistake that most women would have done would be to stay on and try to change the man and fix him. The need for change must come from within. Remember you cannot fix anyone. Stay with him or her if you can accept the person the way, he or she is. But if the yoke is too much on your shoulders of who the person is, hurt yourself no more, drop it and walk away.

Fifty shades of Grey is a very loud, bold movie that openly shows many grim realities of life. Most of us, would like to trash it as yet another sex selling movie, but for me, it still offered a lot to relate and learn.